Guardians of the Secret
copyright © 1998 by Cary Shulman
All Rights Reserved
5.
Michael was driving back from an unsuccessful attempt to get information. He had sat out Sara's shows since he returned, hoping for some fresh leads. They had planned upcoming broadcasts on the militia, a series on money and politics and a profile of Allan March. He had files that covered all of it. But if it wasn't news to him, he didn't think he could make it news to anybody else.
He glanced down at the set of tapes Sara left with him. He'd been avoiding it. That had worked until now. It was becoming too obvious to him that he was avoiding it and that got his pride. Dismissing it without listening wouldn't do. He'd have to listen to at least one and shoot it down point by point as he had some of her other finds. He started the tape.
"The revolutionary idea we're putting forth here is that sexual fantasy is not just something you make up that brings you pleasure, it has a meaning. Interpreting and understanding that meaning can change your life. I'd go further and say that sexual fantasy is a call to change your life.
"So what is the meaning of sexual fantasy? I know it's hard to believe the cast of characters you find in fantasy have anything to tell you, but they do. Believe it or not I think that 's why they're here. They are intermediaries between you and the sources of your life.
"If dreams are your unconscious attempting to communicate with your waking mind, then sexual fantasy is your waking mind attempting to contact the source of its ecstasy the unconscious. It's a journey we all take, only we are unaware so that its value as a way of knowledge remains a secret to us.
"The mysterious stranger occurs often in fantasy. It's a perfect symbol of that part of ourselves that is hidden, disowned, lost, stolen, forgotten. We are indeed estranged from our powers, our possibilities. So this mysterious stranger has a lot to tell us, to give us.
"Fantasy brings you pleasure. But to leave it at that, without examining the incredible riches within it, it's as if you were given a priceless gift and never opened it because you were so taken by the colorful paper it was wrapped in.
"If it has so much to offer, what has kept us from seeing that it has any meaning? Partially because its sources are the most intense parts of our lives. In those moments pain or pleasure peak, and in the avoidance of the pain or the distraction of the pleasure we are not there.
"And there's the message we all get from society? Like each one of us, society is much more comfortable with a road that leads to compensation than one that leads to emancipation. So society, which is already wary of sexuality's power, wants to keep it to a pleasurable respite that doesn't threaten to change anything.
"We begin with a tension, a longing, and want the release of that tension. The tension we feel is the gap between where we are and the possibilities of our becoming. Sexual release is a momentary arc across that gap. It's temporary because it occurs too rapidly to permit any awareness to be brought to it. Like visiting 10 European capitals in three days. A blur. It comes and it goes and we are moved by it, but we can't see into the heart of it. And that's what understanding our sexual fantasies allows us to do. It allows us to make a journey in that gap with awareness. To treat it as a way of knowledge, of fulfillment, understanding and change. And return like other seekers before us with the riches that come with connecting to the sources of our life."
Michael shut off the tape. He drove the rest of the way home sorting out his reaction. If he hadn't been in a car he would have been pacing, stopping only for a sip of coffee. It reminded him of something. It was that funny feeling he got trying to break a case and what he needed was right in front of him and he walked right past it. This was worse. It was not just right in front of him, it was screaming at him, driving him crazy to get his attention. Life was supposed to be stingy with its secrets, well what better place to hide them, not in some remote place but in plain view where nobody would think to look.
He smiled at its simplicity and directness, but underneath he could feel the fear. You couldn't get lost in trying to find it or trying to avoid it, it was always right in front of you waiting for you to sit down face to face. He thought of himself at thirteen innocently searching for God and it turned out his greatest fear was he was everywhere, and you had to come to terms.
copyright © 1998 by Cary Shulman
All rights Reserved